A Bittersweet Mother's Day

Mother’s Day was this past Sunday. I am so blessed to have a wonderful mother who loves and cares for me, and I’m thankful to God for the example she’s been to me over the years. I’m also blessed to be a mother myself. My son, Callen, although stubborn and testy at times, is a true gift from God and keeps me on my toes every day. His smile and laughter can light up a room. I’m thankful to hold the title of “Mom,” and I pray that I never take it for granted.

I must admit, however, that I have many mixed feelings towards Mother’s Day. Don’t get me wrong – it’s wonderful to set aside a day when we can celebrate our mothers and celebrate being mothers ourselves. But Mother’s Day for many women brings about just one more reminder that she is not yet a mother. And maybe never will be. Or maybe she already is a mother, but is struggling to get pregnant again… for the second, third, or fourth time. I understand the longing for a child who you can imagine in your heart and mind but who you have never carried in your womb. I understand the empty feeling you get every time you walk past your spare bedroom and imagine it as your child’s nursery, only to be brought back to the reality that there’s no need for a nursery right now. I understand the desperation, the tears, the heartache, the helplessness. You see, my husband and I struggled with infertility for three years before we finally got pregnant with our son. We went to a fertility specialist who told us everything was “normal” and that there was no explanation for our infertility. That was one of the lowest and most painful times in my life. Every month I got a constant reminder that I wasn’t pregnant, while my friends and family around me seemed to pop out babies left and right. And while I was never mad at my friends who seemed to get pregnant so easily, their pregnancies were just a reminder that I wasn’t pregnant. It hurt.

Now my son is 18 months old, and once again my husband and I are struggling to get pregnant. I’ve tried to copy everything I did the last time I got pregnant – do the same cleanse, take the same supplements, eat the same way – but so far, we haven’t had any success. I’m sure there’s some explanation – a hormone imbalance, something I should or shouldn’t be eating, some supplement I should be taking. There’s always something else I could be doing to try to increase fertility. But it’s tiring… and it’s stressful. So I wait.

I wait on God’s perfect timing, just as I did the last time. Fertility or the lack thereof is completely out of my control. I can choose to wallow in self-pity or I can trust that my Almighty, Sovereign God is in complete control of this situation and that His plan will stand no matter what. Proverbs 19:21 states, “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” I’m so thankful that I can trust in His perfect design for my life. He knows exactly what I need and when I need it. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” He is working all things for my good! And if you are trusting in Christ, God is working all things for your good too. I may never understand this side of heaven why I have this struggle or why I wasn’t able to pop out five babies one right after the other, like I had planned to; and you may never have an answer for the reason you are struggling with whatever it is you're going through at this time. But we can understand and know, even now, that God is good and His plan for His children is good. He is the only one who can bring lasting satisfaction. Not marriage, not money, not health, not babies.